A friend of Bill W’s…Part 2

Here is part 2 of my story...
It is difficule to tell this story because I go back and forth to Illustrate how things and issues fit together, so bare with me.

Well, I had admitted that I was powerless and that my life was unmanageable. That much was apparent. I was at that stage in my addiction, going on binges and staying gone for several days and cleaning out my bank account. So, I went to Rehab.

While I was in LAHA, we went to meetings and group secessions. Chris Raymer in his morning “Town Hall” meeting drove the point home to us that this is a 3-fold disease: Mind, Body,Spirit. You have to treat all 3 parts or it will fail. See, about 10% of the population are genetically different than the rest of society in that we process “mind altering” substances different. If a “normal” person drinks/drugs, they may like it and abuse it, but given sufficient reason to STOP, they can. Take for instance, a normie gets a DWI and looses his license. That would/should be reason enough for ANYONE to stop. For an addict, it will be, but only for a time period, days, weeks, etc. This disease makes him/her forget about the consequences that have just happened and he/she will go out and do it again. Addicts will try to blame everything on “External” reasons for their problems. I got in a fight with my g/f, I had a crappy day at work, those were all external reasons. The problem was with us, an internal problem.

I liked to drink and drug. It was fun in the beginning. I could handle it. I needed it to feel normal or what I thought was normal. I, in the beginning, did not know what cravings were, but I did no when it was time to get “fixed up” and feel on an even keel so to speak. I knew this as early as 1990, my second years of college. I partied a long time and I was able to control it. I was a very functional addict through those times. I was a Coke/Crack addict from 1993-2001. That is a very long time. In that time, I saw people spend entire fortunes, loose houses, cars and wives. It was total carnage and I was going through the middle of it.

See, I could not remember that my girlfriend at that time, now my wife, told me if I go out again, she would leave me. My disease told me to go get high, but only enough to satisfy the cravings that I was having. That final spree was horrible. I was going to fill out applications at a place in Austin, but the cravings were just too strong for me to deal with. I had to get my soul quiet and fill the void that was devouring me a little at a time. So I did…but I only planned to do a little, but that turned to about 3 days

I drove around Austin Texas getting high and was on a psychotic episode. I saw my family in every car that was on the road, or at least a member of my family. They would look at me and be sad or mad depending on what I was doing at that moment. I heard police sirens the whole time I was out and I thought that every other car was a cop. I got a speeding ticket during that time and you know what I did to calm my nerves? I went and bought more crack. WOW, how insane is that? It is only by the Grace of God that I did not go to jail or die from an overdose. As you can see, I was not in control of my life in the least bit, my addiction was in FULL SWING and I had hit “Rock Bottom” I knew that I needed help and that I could not make it on my own anymore.

While I was in LAHA, we worked on steps, but hammered on Step 1 & 2. Step one along with the drugs got me there, then I had to work on Step 2. I had to believe that a Power Greater than my self could restore me to sanity. This would seem to be an easy task; to believe in something bigger than my self and ego. Well Try it...

in·sane -/in seyn/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-seyn]
–adjective
1. not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged.
2. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a person who is mentally deranged: insane actions; an insane asylum.
3. utterly senseless: an insane plan.

Let’s look at this word. Insane. Another definition is and it applies to addicts is “doing the same thing and expecting different outcome” See every time I went out to drug it up, I expected a different outcome!! I was insane!! IT is like hitting your hand with a hammer repeatedly and not expecting it to hurt the next time. The “power” could have been a tree if you did not believe in God, Jesus or something like that, it did not matter! The only thing was to believe in something more powerful than yourself. Because under your power, your best foot forward; Your power got you to rehab!! My power got me nowhere except broke, tired and addicted. Thank God I got to rehab…to get some help where all else had failed, all of my best intentions and promises failed.

SO, I believed that “power” greater than myself could and would restore me to a better way of think. It was apparent that my thinking was off, so I had to try it by learning a better way or a different way. This was the essence of Step 2 which i will get into more soon.

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My Dad...

Years ago, my Dad owned one of these planes. I was about 5 years old and I remember going flying with him on Sunday afternoons all over East Texas. I would sometimes fall asleep while he would be doing "Take-Offs" and "Landings" at the different regional airstrips around Southeast Texas in the balmy summer air...

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Verizon Wireless... Bunkgrades!!

Well folks, we decided to go totally wireless in our home. We are going to turn of the home phone in a few days to save money. We all have cell phones and now all have local Richmond numbers. It is also time to upgrade our cells...

SO this morning at 8.30am, after I got home from work, we went to the Verizon Wireless store. We got our numbers changed and we were looking at new cells. We thought that when it was time for us to change phones out that we had a $100 credit per phone...WRONG!!!! We are on a family plan. Only the main phone gets the $100 credit and the other people have to pay $FULL$ PRICE for their "new" phone. That really sucked a big one!! Here we all had found new, better, bigger, stronger, faster cells and what a letdown...

They got you by the balls on this one. The fam plan will save money, but not on hardware costs. So choose wisely when trying to decide on what plan to get when making that decision.

This was the phone that I was going to get. It is the LG VX8600.

Wewill see what happens...

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The Shield Season 5....Conscience is a killer!!!

Vic Mackey owns you...

Nuff Said on this topic...

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Candlebox...1993 "Change"

How many of you remember the "Grung" era? Alice In Chains were sill big as well as Pearl Jam, but a new style of music was starting to take hold as well. Candlebox was one of those bands. The had a hard rocking style as well as a pop infulence that was very radio friendly. This one song was a very good one, perhaps the best on their intro album aptly titled "Candlebox"

"CHANGE"
As I stand here
I ponder greater things
You're no longer a part of
A part of your lover's dreams
So much for your Common complications
So much for your Constant desperation
For what's to comeIt's all been written
Down, written down
But I feel that a change is
A change is gonna come
I said I feel so alive nowAnd you know I feel that a change is
A change is gonna come
As I sit here I'll tell you greater things
You're no longer a part of
A part of someone else's dreams
So much for yourCommon escalations
So much for your Constant fabrications
For what's to come
It's all been written down, down, down
I said for what's to come
For what's to come your way
It's all been written
Down, written down
But I feel that a change is
A change is gonna come
I said I feel so alive now
And you know I feel that a change is
A change is gonna come
Keep on time
Keep on time
You run along
Keep on child
Keep on child
You push it on
Keep on my time
I run around for you
Keep on time
Keep on time
You run along
Keep on child
Keep on child
You push it on
Keep on my time now
I run around for you
Run around for you
But you've gotta keep on, keep it on
You don't know yet
You don't know yet
You don't know yet
But you'll feel it in your soul
You don't know yet
You don't know yet
You don't know yet
But you feel it in your soul
Feel it in your soul now
Do you feel that a change is gonna come?
Do you feel that a change is gonna come?
No
As I lay hereI wanna fall asleep
No longer, No longer a part of
A part of your TV screen
A part of your TV dreams
I said so much for your
So much for your
So much for your
Your common complications
So much for your
Constant desperation
For what's to come it's all been written
Down, written down
But I feel that a change is
A change is gonna come
I said I feel so alive now
And you know I feel that a change is
A change is gonna come
Do you feel that a change is gonna come?...


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Moutain Bike Stuff...

I had to go today at Agee's and get my daughters bike fixed. I had to buy a new front wheel skewer as hers toe up and lost all the parts to it. I also had to purchase as adapter for my tire air stems. They were a totally different style and i FREAKED out about them on a Sunday morning as my air pump would not fit them. I cant get them change out either. They had the adapter for them. It only cost 2.99, so not to bad. I Hope to go riding soon, but i work all this weekend...

CIAO

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A Friend Of Bill W’s…Part 1, My Journey Begins.

I am going to do a series of posts over the next weeks on Addiction and Recovery using the 12 Steps or Alcoholics Anonymous. There are many 12 Step programs that can be chosen. I am breaking my Anonymity by doing so, although, I have never hidden the fact from anyone if they asked me about it. If I have one wish for this series it is not to alienate someone from reading my BLOG, but to help an addict or alcoholic out there still suffering and let them know that there is help out there for them.

Many of you don't know, but May 15 will be my 4 year Sober mark. No drinking or drugging. I can’t say that it has been easy or that it has been fun because it has not. Living life on Life’s terms is a very hard thing to do. They say that your stunt your emotional self the first time that you took you first drink or drug. So, if you started when you were 16, then when you finally got sober, you were of the maturity of a 16 year old. If you were 30 when you got sober, then you will have a lot of maturing to do.

I went into treatment in the year 2002 during that summer to La Hacienda (LAHA) in Hunt Texas for 30 days in-house where I met Chris Raymer (Alumni Director LAHA). I will get into him later in this series. I also met some very interesting people, Lawyers, Doctors, Preachers, Housewives; the list can go on and on. It was a hard time of being separated from my house and personal belongings except for my MiniDisc player and CD player to have some comfort from. I went to group meetings, group therapy; We had a family week where my then girlfriend, Mother, and grandmother came to stay. If you did well, you got to go off campus to eat and go to outside meetings, if not, you stayed there. I saw many people fail or get kicked out. Why I was able to “do the deal” so to speak; I guess that it was in God’s plan for me to make it.

Every Sunday was a big meeting in the center where your family could come and visit and you saw people come back to get their chips for being sober for different time periods. 30 days, 60 days,90 days, 6 months, 1 year and so on. They also had different speakers and someone lead the meetings.

For you to “recover” you need to have a total psychic make over. This can happen by the “burning bush” type of the “educational” type. I had the burning bush type. That place gave me a set of tools that enabled me to be able to recover from a “hopeless state of mind and body.” I did not do it alone. My journey was a spiritual one also, because Addiction is a disease of the mind, body, and the spirit. I am not talking church or anything like that. Don't get the two confused, they are not the same. You can be spiritual and go to church, or go to church and never get the whole spiritual aspect of the deal. I tried the church way several years before that and it did not work for me.

For me to start the journey, I had to be totally beat down from the disease! I could not do it on my own, that was evident! Church did not do it and going to meetings but not buying whole heartedly into the program did not work either. I had to do it all or none! No "Half Steps".Finally Step One of the Big Book was easy for me to admit. “We admitted that we were powerless over drugs/alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable” It took a while living as a functional addict to finally admit that. When I did, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and my way to recovery could begin. I learned that I did not have power over anything! Whatever power that I had, it had been given to me from God!

Don't get overly stressed with the God thing, I will explain this later. Just remember that for a person to “recover”, they have to treat the whole illness; The Mind, The Body, The Spirit. I also will use and interchange Alcohol and Drugs for one in the same during this series because they are the same. It is a disease the is progressive and terminal whose outcomes are Death or Institutions (Mental/Jail).

I am going to close this part for now…Rest assured, more will come. Part 2 Next week.

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