A friend of Bill W’s…Part 2

Here is part 2 of my story...
It is difficule to tell this story because I go back and forth to Illustrate how things and issues fit together, so bare with me.

Well, I had admitted that I was powerless and that my life was unmanageable. That much was apparent. I was at that stage in my addiction, going on binges and staying gone for several days and cleaning out my bank account. So, I went to Rehab.

While I was in LAHA, we went to meetings and group secessions. Chris Raymer in his morning “Town Hall” meeting drove the point home to us that this is a 3-fold disease: Mind, Body,Spirit. You have to treat all 3 parts or it will fail. See, about 10% of the population are genetically different than the rest of society in that we process “mind altering” substances different. If a “normal” person drinks/drugs, they may like it and abuse it, but given sufficient reason to STOP, they can. Take for instance, a normie gets a DWI and looses his license. That would/should be reason enough for ANYONE to stop. For an addict, it will be, but only for a time period, days, weeks, etc. This disease makes him/her forget about the consequences that have just happened and he/she will go out and do it again. Addicts will try to blame everything on “External” reasons for their problems. I got in a fight with my g/f, I had a crappy day at work, those were all external reasons. The problem was with us, an internal problem.

I liked to drink and drug. It was fun in the beginning. I could handle it. I needed it to feel normal or what I thought was normal. I, in the beginning, did not know what cravings were, but I did no when it was time to get “fixed up” and feel on an even keel so to speak. I knew this as early as 1990, my second years of college. I partied a long time and I was able to control it. I was a very functional addict through those times. I was a Coke/Crack addict from 1993-2001. That is a very long time. In that time, I saw people spend entire fortunes, loose houses, cars and wives. It was total carnage and I was going through the middle of it.

See, I could not remember that my girlfriend at that time, now my wife, told me if I go out again, she would leave me. My disease told me to go get high, but only enough to satisfy the cravings that I was having. That final spree was horrible. I was going to fill out applications at a place in Austin, but the cravings were just too strong for me to deal with. I had to get my soul quiet and fill the void that was devouring me a little at a time. So I did…but I only planned to do a little, but that turned to about 3 days

I drove around Austin Texas getting high and was on a psychotic episode. I saw my family in every car that was on the road, or at least a member of my family. They would look at me and be sad or mad depending on what I was doing at that moment. I heard police sirens the whole time I was out and I thought that every other car was a cop. I got a speeding ticket during that time and you know what I did to calm my nerves? I went and bought more crack. WOW, how insane is that? It is only by the Grace of God that I did not go to jail or die from an overdose. As you can see, I was not in control of my life in the least bit, my addiction was in FULL SWING and I had hit “Rock Bottom” I knew that I needed help and that I could not make it on my own anymore.

While I was in LAHA, we worked on steps, but hammered on Step 1 & 2. Step one along with the drugs got me there, then I had to work on Step 2. I had to believe that a Power Greater than my self could restore me to sanity. This would seem to be an easy task; to believe in something bigger than my self and ego. Well Try it...

in·sane -/in seyn/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-seyn]
–adjective
1. not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged.
2. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a person who is mentally deranged: insane actions; an insane asylum.
3. utterly senseless: an insane plan.

Let’s look at this word. Insane. Another definition is and it applies to addicts is “doing the same thing and expecting different outcome” See every time I went out to drug it up, I expected a different outcome!! I was insane!! IT is like hitting your hand with a hammer repeatedly and not expecting it to hurt the next time. The “power” could have been a tree if you did not believe in God, Jesus or something like that, it did not matter! The only thing was to believe in something more powerful than yourself. Because under your power, your best foot forward; Your power got you to rehab!! My power got me nowhere except broke, tired and addicted. Thank God I got to rehab…to get some help where all else had failed, all of my best intentions and promises failed.

SO, I believed that “power” greater than myself could and would restore me to a better way of think. It was apparent that my thinking was off, so I had to try it by learning a better way or a different way. This was the essence of Step 2 which i will get into more soon.

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