Recovery Thoughts...

I was in Austin all weekend for my brother’s wedding. It was very nice and a good time was had by all. There was lots of drinking by the wedding party which I was a member, but I did not drink. It was strange. I really never think about doing drugs. It is just a non-issue for me. When I touched down in Austin at the airport I had a very strange feeling like I wanted to use. I was back in Austin, in the part of town where all the bad stuff is located. I had to catch a taxi to be brought to the wedding rehearsal and the guy drove me right down K blvd, I kind of freaked when I saw several streets that I used to roll down when I was using. It was really strange being on that side of town and seeing those streets. I had so many different thoughts going on inside my head that it was crazy like “wouldn’t it be nice” kind of thing and then I snapped back into reality! What the hell was I thinking? I knew that it was a non-possibility and that I would never go down those streets again. I have over 5.5 years and way too much to lose over some bullshit like that. Being sober is the best think that I could have done in my life. It was part of a not so natural maturing process that I have undergone over the last 5+ years. I am very grateful for my sobriety. And let me be clear on this; it has been over 5.5 years since I drank and may 15, 2008 it will be 5 years of continued clean life with no drugs.

Some people go their whole live and never recover. The Big Book promises that it does happen! You do not have to go through life and be a miserable “recovering” person, you CAN and WILL RECOVER if you do what is suggested in the book!

God Bless everyone…

RMStringer

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced

equation inherent to the programming of the matrix.

You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite

my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate

from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision.

While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not

unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control.

Which has led you, inexorably, here." - The Architect, The Matrix Reloaded

Step 8 and 9 and 10...Part 5 in the series.

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Well, here it comes. I had to make a list of all the people that I had harmed and had to make nice with them. You mean to tell me that I have to go and apologize to them?? Yes I do and I did. This was a hard step to do as well. I had to humble myself to another person and admit that I was wrong and sorry for what I had done. But wait What if I was not willing to go and talk to them or to tell them I was sorry? What if they had moved on and lost touch? What if they were dead? What if they were alive and they did not know that I did something to harm them? That is where Step 9 comes in; Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 8 was part of it, but Step 9 was an action step. So say that you were dating a person and you cheated on them but they did not know about it. According to Step 8, you need to make amends to them. Step 9 says to do it, but not to harm or injure them. So would telling your girlfriend that you cheated harm her? Yes it would. So this is where a “Living Amends” comes in. The amends process in this instance was for you to not do the action anymore, to not cheat on her and thus, you make amends for the offending action.If someone had moved on or died, it would be impossible to talk to them, so you can write a letter, read it, and then destroy it. You have to make every possible means to contact that person, but this is a way of doing it.

One person that I held resentment to was a very close friend. I went to talk to this person and their reaction was very indifferent to me. Some people will not want to talk to you about what you did or they did, but you will have made the effort and that is the main objective. Some people will be glad that you wanted to talk to them and will be very receptive about the issue. But the main thing is that you will have made the effort on your part. Remember you can’t control other people’s actions, only your own with the help of God.

This process does not have a time limit set for it. It can take some time to complete, but it needs to be done to get all the mess that you have created in your life cleaned out. You have heard of Spring Cleaning? Just think of this like that. You are getting out all of the old BS that has built up over a period of time that has been eating at your soul. When you get some of this off your chest, you will feel so much better, I sure did.

After having done this step, you will move on to Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. You will have to become a more analytical person about your actions and become aware of how you interact with other people. If you come across like an asshole to a person, look at why that happened and then go to them and apologize for that act. I had to the other night at work. I offended a lady and she made mention to a coworker about it. I had to suck it up and go and talk to her and make amends or apologize for it. She was like thank you. So, it works.

I am going to stop here. I am not ready to discuss the next step with you as it is a very hard one to do and these last 2 steps are a mouthful to comprehend and work on. God Bless and have a wonderful evening or day depending where you live…



What is your opinion?

Part 4...Steps 4-7

It would be hard to write about just one of these Steps, so i put Step 4-7 in this part as they are all together.

Step 4 - Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves.

DO what? A searching and FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY?? Ok this is going to suck I said. During this step we have to look at ourselves and that is not fun at all. We have to look at all the things that we have done bad and things that we had done to hurt other people and also things that other people had done to us that we did not like or had resentment over. Because, as they say, An addict having a resentment is like tacking poison and wanting the other person to die. To people like us, resentments are not a good thing. They lead to fear, anger and then an excuse to go out and use again.

Take for instance, one might say me and the girlfriend had a fight, I am going to go out and get messed up to show her!! No your not!! That is just an excuse. In this step, you have to look at your part in the events. You might say that I am resentful at _______ because they did this to me. But what was your part in that event. Did or have you treated them like you should have? And how does this affect you? In your relationship with that person? Does it hurt your Pride? Make you Fearful? Does it hurt your Self-Esteem? All of these questions will have to be answered during this step.

My 4ht step was about 2-3 pages front and back on a legal size pad. It was very emotional time writing this because me and my sponsor had to do this. It is part of the healing process. See the problem is that if you don't be truthful on this, sleeping Demons will come back to get you at a later date. If you have done something that you think is so shameful and that you don't want anyone to know about it; get it out!! For the most part they have done the exact same thing or even worse! Not being truthful in this step can be setting yourself up for some hard times and even perhaps a relapse…

In doing this we had to learn a new way to deal with ANGE and FEAR! Most of my troubles came from me. I tried to control everything and everyone and when things did not go my way, I pitched a fit! I was the director and they were my puppets only that was not the case. I that it was, but it was not and I had to place my Fears on a list as well to go over with a fine toothed comb. See, we are fearful of things that we can’t control. I became fearful of doing drugs, even though that is what I knew I had to do to get to feeling better (Spiritual Malady) but the guilt was a killer as well after the fact!

This step is also a very personal one that you, me, I, have to do alone. My sponsor helped me, but I had to do it and take a long, hard look at what made me tick and I did not like what I found. I will not go into some of the things that I did, but suffice to say, they were not pretty. This is a most important step because in doing this, you clean your steps and try to get a grasp of what the hell you have done in your life. The next Step 5, Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. You have to open up and tell someone else like your sponsor, a minister, a total stranger, just what you have done in your life and how you have wronged people and your part as well as what people have done to you and what your part was in that as well.

I cried my eyes out during this because of a lifetime of hate, anger, resentment, wrongs to me and from me came out!! It was very painful but very healing at the same time…

The paper that you made during Step 4 is a guide during Step 5. I used it to help me remember the things that I had written down, but also new things emerged from my subconscious, stuff that I had so tucked away that I had forgotten about came out and when it was all over after a good cry, I felt better than I had in many years. Getting out the quilt and remorse, resentments, fears was very liberating.

Next step is Step 6 Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. After Step 5, I was totally ready to get all that crap out and give it up to God to take away from me. This is where the Serenity Prayer comes in:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.”

Just knowing this and using this well help you in everyday life. Because, remember that you cannot control everything that is and will happen to you.

I had to do Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. This was the last part in from the last several Steps. It is also a necessary Step to be taken in this cleansing process. Another good prayer I forgot was in the 3rd step. It is as follows:

God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

So you see, the Step 4-7 is basically a continuous step and they all need to be done in secession. One cannot be done with out the other. Next time, we will move to Step 8.


What is your opinion?

Step 3, Its is a very hard one: My story Part 3

Part 3…

So where was I? I had to believe in a power that was bigger than my self. Ok, I decided to believe that God was my power and that he could help me and heal me. It took faith. That was the hard part because that lead to Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and out lives over to the care God as WE understood him. This also took a leap of faith. I mean, we had to believe that someone, not us, could help us and then we had to turn our Will over to him. That would mean that we were not in control anymore. That was very scary!! Much of the addicted person’s attitude stems from FEAR!

This sounded like what we should have been doing all of our lives. But it was the other way around. I did not do what God wanted; I did what I wanted to do. I was afraid to succeed in life and I was content with where I was at. Like my old Sponsor says, It is a “Self Will Run Riot” I did what I wanted to do with no regard to who I hurt in the process and to how many times I did it to them. SO in order to be able to do this, I had to shut the little voice down inside of me and try to pray and listen to what someone else, God, wanted me to do. This was and is still very hard to do.

So a prayer would be like if it is Your will, let it be done, not what I want but what you want for me because everything I wanted got me to rehab and miserable. I was trying to control everything around me and I could not control anything. I was totally powerless and no matter how hard I tried to be in control, I was not. So I had to let someone else be in control. But Free Will is a Bitch and I can and do take back control of my life. It is a constant struggle with this step. I want things my way NOW! Most addicts are very self centered individuals and want instant gratification, drugs do that…

I had to remember that I was going to try a different way and let someone else take care of me. The faith thing comes in here. I have to believe that God had a plane for me and that things will unfold as they should. That whenever I take control back, that plane gets messed up.

This step is very hard to put down on paper. It is a very faith based step and it is not a hard fact concept, it is very ethereal. Because you have to believe in a higher power and also that he/she/it is concerned for your well being. I said He/She/It because remember, the “Higher Power” aspect is as you understand, not what I think it should be. This is a key aspect to this whole “recovery” program. If you can’t say God, it can be tree, doorknob, floor mat, ANTYHING, as long as you believe.

SO I guess that in this portion of the program, God was taking care of me at LAHA. By 2.5 weeks, my cravings were gone, I guess because I had a grain of faith and I wanted to get my life better. I saw some pitiful sights that and also some true miracles being preformed. We learned that every day was a miracle because we were not dead or in jail and that we were or at least had the opportunity to “recover” At LAHA, you could feel the energy, and it is a very spiritual place. There was lots of healing that occurred. There were lots of other places that I could have gone; I am eternally grateful that was able to go there and to get my life in order. I would have been dead or in jail at the rate I was going…

This always reminds me of a poem by Max Ehrmann titled “Desiderata”
Here it is:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrenderbe on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,

however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

This poem is a good set of principals to live by, very spiritual based as well. When you let some one else take control, wonderful things start to occur. You will and have started the process to “recover” But there are many other steps that need to happen and even if you “recover” they should be practiced in you life. I am sorry that I can’t put down more thoughts on this, but we will go to Step 4 – Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves. This one is a doosey!!! Very hard and very emotional, you get to the core of your bull that you have carried and spewed for all those years. You will have to look at yourself and be very critical and analyze your very core. It sounds daunting and it was and is… SO more on this at another time.

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