Monday, March 10, 2008

Mack: The Superior Species

Thanks to Mac for letting me post this.
The Superior Species
That whacky – of charity, let us call him Stultus Cibus – Stultus Cibus is at it again, swimming naked with the alligators in Florida.  Oh, sure, some writers say he was swimming nude with the alligators, but if you've seen a picture of that ugly ol' boy you will understand that he was nekkid.  Indeed, he looks as if he traded his last few brain cells and his last bar of soap for a marijuana joint back in 1968 or so.
The last time Stultus got naked with the alligators back in '06 one of them ate a fair amount of him, including his left arm and part of his sit-upon.  This Circle of Life event would have been completed, and Stultus digested, except for the fact that Polk County deputies were pulling on one end of Stultus while the 'gator was pulling on the other.
One would expect a self-respecting alligator who was raised by loving parents to eat a healthier diet than ol' Stultus.
Maybe next time the deputies can just sort of, you know, accidentally let go. 
One wonders if to alligators humans taste like chicken.
Stultus spent months receiving taxpayer-funded care that apparently some of our war wounded are denied, and returned to driving around in his pickup truck and consuming meth and marijuana. 
Well, one can't keep a one-armed village idiot down.  Last Friday Stultus was once again swimming naked with the alligators, and once again Polk County deputies saved his life.
Like the ever-optimistic Charlie Brown, the alligators were hoping Lucy wouldn't yank the human away this time.
Or perhaps the alligators were reluctant to take a bite out of Stultus because they were afraid he was processed in China and might contain bacteria or sewerage or weird chemicals.
And aren't there laws against feeding alligators unsanitary food?
This last encounter was on a Friday, and as we all know from the respected theologian Jack Chick the Pope mandated that alligators eat humans on Fridays for the sake of the Italian alligator-shoe industry.
Stultus' next career may be as an announcer for National Public Radio, another taxpayer-funded and brain-dead entity.  Barring that, he could stumble around the mall with a tin cricket in his ear and barking obscenities to himself.
Let's see if Stultus really has guts – let's see if he'll swim naked with Rosie O'Donnell next go-'round.

Mack Hall -- one of the few healthy men in Jasper County not displaying a parking tag meant for the handicapped.


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