Mack's Survival School...

Mack Hall is a friend of mine, more than that, he was a school teacher of mine in 6th and 7th grades in Kirbyville Texas. This article is reprinted with his premission. He writes a column in the Jasper News Boy and The Beaumont Enterprise news papers.


Mack Hall
mhall46184@aol.com

Mack's Survival School

Last summer a fellow from New Jersey paid a survival school $3,175 to force-march, humiliate, starve, dehydrate, and kill him in a Utah desert. The school says they push folks "past those false limits your mind has set for your body."

Well, yes, dead is pretty much past any limits, false or otherwise.

This is from the school's 'net site:

Your destination on a BOSS Field Course is not a physical place; it can't be plotted on a topo map. Somewhere along the many miles of sagebrush flats, red rock canyons, and mesa tops of Southern Utah — somewhere between the thirst, the hunger and the sweat — you'll discover the real destination: yourself. (http://www.boss-inc.com/02front.html)

You'll surely want to travel a few thousand miles and pay a few thousand dollars to put your life in the hands of someone who writes turgid sell-o-babble like that.

A quick browse through the 'puter will dig up dozens of survival (if you survive) schools, each with its catalogue of cliches' appealing to the sort of geek who lives in a basement with his collection of shirtless-guys-wearing-headbands movies.

One school even advertises lessons on how to kill a sheep with a knife, a life-skill we've all desperately wanted to learn in case America is invaded by extremist ewes with blood-lust in their eyes and death on their little hooves.

There are entirely too many, um, men who suffer the pathetic need to join an organization where they will be bullied and humiliated, and where they can do secret handshakes and call each other Brother and Comrade. If your son wants to join a fraternity, ask him why he wants to pay money to some other idiots to strip him naked and beat him up so they'll be his friends.

But I have my own fantasy of a personal training school, one that can whup me into the shape I want. Indeed, I have sketched out a rudimentary curriculum for Mack's Survival School:

1. Sleep deprivation exercise: whenever the alarm sounds off in the morning a crack squad of ninja clock-assassins wearing discount-store camouflage knee-pants made in China will garrot it into silence with a length of piano wire so that you can sleep another hour or two. After all, what's really important in life: food, clothing, and shelter, or self-fulfilment, and, like, oneness with nature and stuff, pushing your personal envelope where no envelope has gone before?

2. Preparing clear fields-of-fire: whenever the yard needs mowing, your comrades will chant "No, it doesn't! No, it doesn't!" over and over, and will flash seductive pictures of reclining chairs before your weary eyes.

3. Man as hunter: intensive sessions on studying menus. Hey, if God meant for you to run down a sheep and cut its throat, He would not have invented restaurants.

4. Finding water in the desert: intensive preparation and practical exercises in asking wait-staff for a glass of water. Advanced course: turning the water-faucet the right way.

5. Staying dry in a thunderstorm: stay in the house.

6. Sleeping dry in a thunderstorm: go to bed. In the house.

7. Protection against predators, human and animal: lock the door. Sleep with a revolver by the bed. Memorize the secret code for 911.

8. Crossing the desert: drive your car.

9. Finding your way across country: stay on the road. Duh.

10. Signalling to your comrades: dial the telephone.

11. Primitive shelters: just wait for the next hurricane and score yourself a blue FEMA tarp.

12. Route hiking: from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

13. Discovering who you really are: look in the mirror.

14. Building a fire: strike a match.

15. Making a difference in the world: go get a job.

Now, then, folks, you'll find yourself and you will survive my course. Now just send me the money.




What is your opinion?