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Thanks to Mack Hall for letting me publish his column on my site. I have been doing this for several years trying to spread his wit and style to others. He was a teacher of mine for several years in a town where I grew up. He now publishes this in the regional paper in SE Texas. I help him by posting to my website as well.
Sleepy Little Southern Rattlesnakes
Alas that terrorists and foreign oil executives never seem to bother rattlesnakes, a professional courtesy which suggests that vipers of all species recognize each other and perhaps even share a secret handshake. Well, maybe not a handshake.
According to an Associated Press story, rattlesnake roundups are declining. Hmmm – rattlesnake roundups. As fond as I am of cowboy films, I don't remember John, Roy, Hoppy, Gene, and the boys herding snakes along the Chisholm Trail to Texas. How would they do that? "Slither along, little herpetofauna, sing a-kiyi-fangy-ki-yay?" Think of the classic movies: Fang-fight at the O.K. Corral, Fang of the Barbary Coast, They Died With Their Snakeskin Boots On, Stagecoachwhip, and The Sons of Katie Adder.
Eastern diamondback rattlesnakes, like fire ants and some world leaders, live mostly underground. In rural communities catching these critters and killing them is jolly good sport, just like in Rio Bravo, and rattlesnake rounder-uppers have developed marvelous new ways of snatching serpents out of their dens. Instead of pouring gasoline down a hole and seeing what pops up, modern hunters, Beyond Petroleum, insert plastic tubes and listen for the rattle, and if such a sound is forthcoming then a smaller tube with a hook is inserted (somehow I feel the discomforting words "you may feel a little pressure" are spoken at this point), and the snake is dragged out.
The rattlesnake is then killed and eaten. The convention is that snake tastes like chicken. Since I've tried chicken, I've no need to sample snake. Perhaps snakes could be made part of the school lunch program: snake tenders, snake fingers, snake-fried snake, and snake ring things.
The skin is made into belts, purses, shoes, boots, wallets, and other fashion accessories for sale to tourists, though I suppose rattlesnake do-rags are not do-able.
The rattlesnake's skull and bones and rattles are made into trinkets, and I certainly hope to find toys made of rattlesnake remnants for the next niece or nephew for Christmas: "Uncle Mack! Thank you so much for my Barbie Snake House! You're the greatest!"
These hunts supplement rural economies through their curiosity value, and people really do pay money to stand around and eat snake sandwiches and buy stuffed snakes, and good for them.
Unfortunately, environmentalists are unhappy with rattlesnake hunts, maintaining that rattlesnakes are declining in population everywhere but in Congress. Alas that no one rounds up environmentalists and makes trinkets of them. Anyone who spends any time outdoors from Pennsylvania to California will observe that there is no shortage of rattlesnakes, and that rattlesnakes are not our anthropomorphic friends. Rattlesnakes can kill a healthy adult, and will kill a child.
But then, hey, it's always open season on children in American now, and no doubt PETA will defend to the death – a baby's death -- a snake's right to choose.
If rattlesnakes were to disappear, who would care except the sort of unread sheeplings who wear Che Guevera tee-shirts? The biodiversity argument holds no venom; Ireland has no snakes at all, nor does Newfoundland, and the folks and animals there seem to rich and rewarding lives without the blessings of pit vipers.
The AP writer was doing pretty well until he employed the most over-used cliché' in Christendom, referring to a small town in Alabama as "sleepy." But perhaps this is not the scrivener's fault; he may have been simply following orders and the AP style book. One never reads in the national press of a Southern town as anything but sleepy, so possibly use of the tired metaphor is an edict. Southern towns, according to the form book, are always sleepy, with the court house dozing in a hammock and the grocery store snoozing on the back porch and Main Street fitting itself into its CPAP mask for a good night's slumber. Middlebury, Vermont, enjoying superior character, never sleeps, nor does Bangor, Maine.
Towns aren't sleepy, but some unimaginative writers are.
I dare not suggest that anyone reading this excellent newspaper kill rattlesnakes since some sub-species are protected under penalty of law, and goodness knows I would never place the life of a child over that of a reptile; that would be wrong.
-30-
Thanks to Mack Hall for letting me publish this on my site.
Rush Limbaugh is a Democrat
Last week Jack Lawrence of the American Civil Liberties Union invited y'r 'umble scrivener to participate in a debate on, well, civil liberties at Lamar's fine new John Gray Auditorium across the street from Vincent Beck Stadium in Beaumont.
I was deputed to help represent the Republican point-of-view, which might not sit well with real Republicans, along with a sharp young Lamar undergraduate and real Republican, Andrew Greenberg.
The Democrat panelists were Dr. Bruce Drury and Stuart Wright, and the ACLU panelists (Democrats and ACLU – aren't those pretty much synonymous?) were Jack Lawrence and Judy Whose-Last-Name-I-Didn't-Get.
The topics were terrorism, torture, and privacy, and we debated before a packed house, said packing consisting mostly of air space since the American people stayed away by the thousands.
The evening was quite a merry one, with no screaming, yelling, or ear-biting, but perhaps that's because no one among us was in favor of terrorism, torture, or violations of privacy. My proposal that our general disapproval of the death penalty might be modified with regard to internet service providers was met with approval by the assembly.
After the meeting broke up with handshakes all 'round, a few of us stayed to continue talking late into the night. This was the sort of informal occasion when the ACLU, and, indeed, most people are at their best, since no one is trying to score points off anyone else.
During this time I was at last able to present my thesis – there was no logical opening for it earlier – that Rush Limbaugh is in fact a Democrat, based on his threat to move to a foreign country, Costa Rica, if Congress didn't do things his way (http://blog.seattlepi.com/seattlepolitics/archives/197198.asp).
Another argument that Rush Limbaugh is a Democrat is that he is an education expert who in many states cannot legally visit a grade-school campus because of his drug issues with illegally doctor-shopping for OxyContin and for his possession of Viagra without a prescription.
Rush Limbaugh is a college dropout who bills himself as the Doctor of Democracy. There's nothing shameful about busting out of college; some of us have accomplished this academic indistinction many times (ahem!), but you just don't call yourself a doctor unless you've earned it.
Rush Limbaugh is a union-basher who, by his own admission on the radio, belongs to a union. His union is good; all others are bad.
Rush Limbaugh is an all-too-common American because he is a political junky who never even registered to vote until he was 35 (http://www.usnews.com/articles/news/politics/2009/03/06/10-things-you-didnt-know-about-rush-limbaugh.html).
A counter-argument can be made that Rush Limbaugh is a true inner-circle Republican because he is a military hawk and drawing-room generalissimo who responded to his draft notice with a note from his own doctor stating that he suffered the agonies of a pilonidal cyst (translation: butt-pimple), which the U.S. Army took at face (so to speak) value, and so bothered his leisure no further.
But let's be fair: Rush Limbaugh is not Nancy Pelosi or John Edwards, he hasn't been married as many times as Larry King, he is generous in numerous charities, and he does have a birth certificate.
Editor's note: Next week Mack will be writing from an undisclosed location.
-30-
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All photos taken at Sandy Creek Park in Jasper Texas. Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 10
Aperture: f/8.0
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All photos taken at Sandy Creek Park in Jasper Texas. Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 10
Aperture: f/8.0
Focal Length: 30 mm
ISO Speed: 100
All photos taken at Sandy Creek Park in Jasper Texas. Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.4
Aperture: f/9.0
Focal Length: 28 mm
ISO Speed: 200
All photos taken at Sandy Creek Park in Jasper Texas. Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 10
Aperture: f/8.0
Focal Length: 30 mm
ISO Speed: 100
All photos taken at Sandy Creek Park in Jasper Texas. Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 10
Aperture: f/5.0
Focal Length: 28 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 30
Aperture: f/8.0
Focal Length: 28 mm
ISO Speed: 200
Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens.
Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens.
Zykkor Super Wider Semi Fish-Eye 0.42x used on top of the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro Lens.
Taken using the Schneider-Kreuznach Componon 40mm f/4 on the Minolta 28-100mm Macro f/3.5-5.6. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Componon 40mm f/4
Exposure: 0.002 sec (1/500)
Aperture: f/9.0
Focal Length: 60 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Taken using the Minolta 28-100mm Macro f/3.5-5.6. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.003 sec (1/400)
Aperture: f/9.0
Focal Length: 90 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Taken using the Minolta 28-100mm Macro f/3.5-5.6. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.003 sec (1/400)
Aperture: f/9.0
Focal Length: 90 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Taken using the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro, Minolta Maxxum AF 2800, and the FA-HS1AM adapter. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.04 sec (1/25)
Aperture: f/8.0
Focal Length: 100 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Taken using the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro, Minolta Maxxum AF 2800, and the FA-HS1AM adapter. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.04 sec (1/25)
Aperture: f/11.0
Focal Length: 100 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Taken using the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro, Minolta Maxxum AF 2800, and the FA-HS1AM adapter. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.04 sec (1/25)
Aperture: f/8.0
Focal Length: 100 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Taken with the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.002 sec (1/640)
Aperture: f/5.6
Focal Length: 90 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Taken with the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.003 sec (1/400)
Aperture: f/5.6
Focal Length: 85 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Taken with the Minolta 28-100mm f/3.5-4.5 Macro lens. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.002 sec (1/640)
Aperture: f/5.6
Focal Length: 90 mm
ISO Speed: 100
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Photos taken with the Tamron 28-200mm f/3.8-5.6 at Aldridge Mill. Photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 14
Aperture: f/11.0
Focal Length: 28 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Photos taken with the Tamron 28-200mm f/3.8-5.6 at Aldridge Mill. Photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.006 sec (1/160)
Aperture: f/5.6
Focal Length: 110 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Photos taken with the Tamron 28-200mm f/3.8-5.6 at Aldridge Mill. Photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.025 sec (1/40)
Aperture: f/5.6
Focal Length: 70 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Double Knuckle Band Live at Solley's Disco April 10, 2010. Taken with the Tamron 28-200mm f/3.8-5.6 using the Sony HVL-F58AM Flash. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Double Knuckle Band Live at Solley's Disco April 10, 2010. Taken with the Sony 18-70mm f/3.5-5.6 Lens using the Sony HVL-F58AM Flash. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Double Knuckle Band Live at Solley's Disco April 10, 2010. Taken with the Minolta 70-210mm f/4 "Beercan" Zoom lens using the Sony HVL-F58AM Flash. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Double Knuckle Band Live at Solley's Disco April 10, 2010. Taken with the Minolta 50mm f1.7 Prime lens using the Sony HVL-F58AM Flash. All photos are
Double Knuckle Band Live at Solley's Disco April 10, 2010. Taken with the Tamron 28-200mm f/3.8-5.6 using the Sony HVL-F58AM Flash. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Double Knuckle Band Live at Solley's Disco April 10, 2010. Taken with the Tamron 28-200mm f/3.8-5.6 using the Sony HVL-F58AM Flash. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Double Knuckle Band Live at Solley's Disco April 10, 2010. Taken with the Tamron 28-200mm f/3.8-5.6 using the Sony HVL-F58AM Flash. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Double Knuckle Band Live at Solley's Disco April 10, 2010. Taken with the Tamron 28-200mm f/3.8-5.6 using the Sony HVL-F58AM Flash. All photos are © RMStringer Photography.
Taken with the Bower MC 2X f/4 Tele-Converter Doubler on the Minolta 70-210mm f/4 Beercan. All photos © RMStringer Photography.
Exposure: 0.001 sec (1/1000)
Aperture: f/8.0
Focal Length: 420 mm
Thanks to Mac Hall for letting me publish this.
A Sort-Of Disneyland, Only With Firing Squads
Dubai is a no-kissing zone.
The United Arab Emirates is just another middle-eastern thugocracy of sand, rocks, oil, and semi-retired pirates. The capital, Dubai, features the world's tallest skyscraper, but with the downturn in the local economy there doesn't seem to be anyone in it. Dubai is quite the party town, according to the Dubai website, featuring "bars, pubs, discos and nightclubs."
Nightclubs and such have been known to lead to, well, kissing, but in Dubai, a sort of Disneyland, only with slavery and firing squads, you'd better sip your well-regulated liquor and forego osculation.
A British man and woman, Ayman Najafi and Charlotte Adams, have been sentenced to a fine and a month, but not a fine month, in jail for kissing in a restaurant. They were fingered by an outraged citizen who didn't actually see the kiss but was told about it by her two-year-old daughter.
Rules of evidence in the U.A.E. apparently bridge the cultural gap between P. G. Wodehouse and Lavrentia Beria.
Last year the Dubai justice (cough) system sentenced a British couple to jail for sex-on-the-beach (not the drink), but on appeal commuted the sentences. Last month the Dubai courts less mercifully incarcerated an Indian couple in jail for three months for sending spicy text-messages to each other, and last week sentenced some 17 or so Indians to the firing squad for beating a Pakistani gentleman to death over a wholesale liquor deal in which the party of the first part and the parties of the 1st-17th parts could not come to an amicable agreement.
Okay, that last crime was a little over the top, but in the USA a murderous mob would probably be given community service and then jobs with A.C.O.R.N.
Of course in the U.A.E. one never knows whether or not a crime really happened. Given that third-hand testimony attributed to a two-year-old can lead to a conviction, the Indians may have been guilty of nothing but playing a sitar.
Come to think of it, playing a sitar should result in the death penalty anyway.
I suggest that Dubai could use some help from American law enforcement. Perhaps the Los Angeles Police Department could send Officers Pete Malloy and Jim Reed to help the United Arab Emirates update and inculturate:
"Say, Jim, we've been on duty for four hours. Let's stop for a sandwich. SANDwich, get it? We're in the U.A.E. Ha, ha. SANDwich."
"That's not funny, Pete."
Radio, with appropriate static and crackling: "One-Adam-Twelve, One-Adam-Twelve, see the woman, 2332 Glorious and Enlightened Sheik Alli-Bubba Drive. Assault in progress."
Pete and Jim speed past casinos and bars, and quickly arrive.
"Yes, ma'am, what seems to be the problem?"
"Oh, officers, praise the religion of peace and mercy; some young punks pushed me down and stole my purse! They ran thataway!"
"Ma'am, you're under arrest. Cuff her, Reed."
"But officer, why? I'm the victim!"
"Yes, ma'am, but you're a woman, so you tempted those poor, impressionable lads. Sorry, but you'll go to prison for this, if not the peace-loving firing squad. Read this lady her rights, Reed…oh, well, never mind."
Later, over Turkish coffee and pita bread, Reed asks "I don't get it, Pete. That woman's purse was stolen. Why should she go to jail?"
"We don't make the laws, Jim, we just enforce them. Our country has sent us to the U.A.E. for sensitivity training. We're here to learn new ways of doing things, and we must respect the local culture."
"Pete, the local culture seems to be about tourism, slavery, money-laundering, and funding terrorists, all under a government that makes the Chicago mob look classy."
"Jim, if I've told you once I've told you a million times, it's not slavery, it's a guest-worker program. Didn't they teach you anything at the academy?"
"They didn't have to teach me the difference between employment and slavery."
"Cool it, partner. We're guest workers too."
"One-Adam-Twelve, One-Adam-Twelve, reports of unauthorized kissing at a Denny's. Repeat, unauthorized kissing at a Denny's."
"Let's roll, partner."
"Um, Pete…"
"Yeah?"
"The United Arab Emirates…they're our friends, right?"
-30-
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