Part 3…
So where was I? I had to believe in a power that was bigger than my self. Ok, I decided to believe that God was my power and that he could help me and heal me. It took faith. That was the hard part because that lead to Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and out lives over to the care God as WE understood him. This also took a leap of faith. I mean, we had to believe that someone, not us, could help us and then we had to turn our Will over to him. That would mean that we were not in control anymore. That was very scary!! Much of the addicted person’s attitude stems from FEAR!
This sounded like what we should have been doing all of our lives. But it was the other way around. I did not do what God wanted; I did what I wanted to do. I was afraid to succeed in life and I was content with where I was at. Like my old Sponsor says, It is a “Self Will Run Riot” I did what I wanted to do with no regard to who I hurt in the process and to how many times I did it to them. SO in order to be able to do this, I had to shut the little voice down inside of me and try to pray and listen to what someone else, God, wanted me to do. This was and is still very hard to do.
So a prayer would be like if it is Your will, let it be done, not what I want but what you want for me because everything I wanted got me to rehab and miserable. I was trying to control everything around me and I could not control anything. I was totally powerless and no matter how hard I tried to be in control, I was not. So I had to let someone else be in control. But Free Will is a Bitch and I can and do take back control of my life. It is a constant struggle with this step. I want things my way NOW! Most addicts are very self centered individuals and want instant gratification, drugs do that…
I had to remember that I was going to try a different way and let someone else take care of me. The faith thing comes in here. I have to believe that God had a plane for me and that things will unfold as they should. That whenever I take control back, that plane gets messed up.
This step is very hard to put down on paper. It is a very faith based step and it is not a hard fact concept, it is very ethereal. Because you have to believe in a higher power and also that he/she/it is concerned for your well being. I said He/She/It because remember, the “Higher Power” aspect is as you understand, not what I think it should be. This is a key aspect to this whole “recovery” program. If you can’t say God, it can be tree, doorknob, floor mat, ANTYHING, as long as you believe.
SO I guess that in this portion of the program, God was taking care of me at LAHA. By 2.5 weeks, my cravings were gone, I guess because I had a grain of faith and I wanted to get my life better. I saw some pitiful sights that and also some true miracles being preformed. We learned that every day was a miracle because we were not dead or in jail and that we were or at least had the opportunity to “recover” At LAHA, you could feel the energy, and it is a very spiritual place. There was lots of healing that occurred. There were lots of other places that I could have gone; I am eternally grateful that was able to go there and to get my life in order. I would have been dead or in jail at the rate I was going…
This always reminds me of a poem by
Max Ehrmann titled “Desiderata”
Here it is:
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrenderbe on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
This poem is a good set of principals to live by, very spiritual based as well. When you let some one else take control, wonderful things start to occur. You will and have started the process to “recover” But there are many other steps that need to happen and even if you “recover” they should be practiced in you life. I am sorry that I can’t put down more thoughts on this, but we will go to Step 4 – Made a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves. This one is a doosey!!! Very hard and very emotional, you get to the core of your bull that you have carried and spewed for all those years. You will have to look at yourself and be very critical and analyze your very core. It sounds daunting and it was and is… SO more on this at another time.
Tell Me What You Think...
